I’ve been grieving.  My marriage of more than 15 years is over.  I am learning what it is to fall apart and face a blank slate with choices and fears and dreams.  It is miserable and magical.  (credit T Swizzle )  And I’m doing it with my kids.  So many lessons are being learned, about life, love, responsibility, self, expectation, forgiveness.  Much is so raw right now that it’s challenging to frame it all in a neat piece of writing.  For now, I’m going to share a poem that I wrote yesterday just upon waking in the morning.  The words were there as I came out of sleep and I followed the simple directions and wrote them down.  Little did I know that it would set the stage for the rest of my day, which included melting down in front of my kids.  It was cathartic, cleansing.  I opened myself and my children opened in their own ways and we all moved forward together, and as individuals.  Whatever you may be grieving in your own life, I offer this, my heart and my love to you this day.  I was reminded by a dear friend yesterday that everything works out in the end.  If it isn’t worked out, then it isn’t the end.  Join me in breathing, and little by little taking steps toward the beautiful life that I KNOW is there beyond this pain.

Day After Year

“Breathe,” she told herself.

These such things are the ways of life

But she knew there was more.

Love more, laugh more, see the beauty

Mend the wounds

She accepted the burden of righting her wrongs.

Loneliness, emptiness, longing for more

Things she wanted to do and see

Fell away in sacrifice of better things to come

Which never came.

“Just over there, it’s close,” he vowed.

Day after year went by

The gold, the prize

Where freedom from fear lies

He did not see her

Waiting and dying

For him to come home.

Love he claimed for her was true

No other could compare

She wanted to believe

So promised herself again and again

Day after year

Heart and dreams in pieces

She chose to not go on

Heaviness and sorrow saw her pulling herself up

Truth came to the light and held her

The way he never could.

More breathing, with floods of tears

She feels it all

Facing today, tomorrow unknown

He has gone

Living her life with someone new

Just like that

All promises dissolved

She sees that what she’s fighted for

Had left her long ago.

Moments of beauty

Snippets of strength

Purpose, Love, Joy call to her

She will arrive

In perfect time.

I am so sick of all the ‘rules’ that we think we must live by.  Eat this.  Don’t eat that.  Do this to be happy.  You must be thin.  You must be popular.  You must be smart, sexy, important, wealthy, NORMAL, happy, strong, successful, understanding, nice to others, at peace, on time, clean, polite, and make everyone else around you happy, too.  Don’t forget to get enough sleep, exercise, always do your best, use your blinker, be patient, LOVE everyone and always always always honor your commitments!  WAIT!!  You still need a good tan, to fix what is “wrong” in your family, help others, save money, be responsible, and do the RIGHT THING!!!

Truly, the list of THINGS WE MUST DO goes ON AND ON AND ON…

WHY do we inflict so many rules on ourselves and others?  It’s MADDENING to me!  I’m gonna just come right out and say it:

RULES AREN’T REAL.

They are concepts that we make up in our minds, or rather our minds make them up and we decide that they are real.  We are taught by others in our lives that they are real and we accept them as so, without any question.  It’s really crazy making!

Who would we be without the idea that we have to live up to some standard or follow the rules of our parents, society, our social circles, our religion (yes, I said it), our teachers, our spouses, our friends, and even ourselves.  My imagination is that just by asking the question, it may anger you, or at least feel a bit uncomfortable.

Not follow the rules?  What in the world kind of insane, crack pot, nuts-o idea is that?  Without rules, we would all just run around killing each other and stealing and creating chaos, full of anger, frustration, confusion and suffering, right?

Hmm…don’t we do that anyway?  (Well, not ALL of us, but…)

Seriously though, I believe that we create rules in an attempt to gain control over things which are really out of our control.  Governments make rules to keep the masses in order.  All kinds of groups and organizations use fear, intimidation, fancy words, images and propaganda to tell us what the rules are (or should be) and how we should act, speak, dress, vote, learn, think and believe.

I’m gonna go WAY outside the box here and say that we need to stop following so many rules.  For instance, there are rules about when it is acceptable to speak our minds and when it isn’t.  Like, whaaaaaaatt???  Who got to make up that one?  How about rules for how we make decisions in our lives?  What rules do you personally have about that and where did they come from?

I believe that it is time for us to make up our own rules for our own lives.  Stop yourself when you have a thought like “That’s just the way it is” or “People should…” and ask yourself WHERE that idea came from?  Where did it come from before that?  See if you can follow it to its origin.  I’d love to know where that journey takes you.  Then ask this follow up question, “Do I even believe that it’s true?”  And, “Does it feel good to me to believe this?”

I am realizing in my early forties that I have bought into too many rules in my life and I can see how they kept me from taking risks, from showing people who I really am and from chasing my dreams.  Finally, I am shedding others’ crazy ideas about how I “should” live and be, and I am going out into the world to create my own.

Care to join me?

Here is a short list of some of my NEW RULES:

When my body says it’s tired, I let it rest.

If it feels right to me, then it’s right.  If it feels wrong to me, then it’s wrong.

I always have a choice.  Always.

However I show up today is perfect.  However I show up tomorrow will be OK, too.

If I don’t show up at all, it is OK.

Other peoples’ opinions of me is none of my business.

Taking time to sit still with myself IS part of my work.  Other “jobs” I have in this life are: being in nature, learning and growing as a human being, connecting with animals, honoring my body, sharing what I know and always being true to myself, even when it’s hard.

I have a voice and I will use it.  Even if someone disagrees.

Let me warn you!  My ideas about school and education are anything but conventional…

How are your kids doing in school?  Do they excel in their studies?  Are they given attention for what they need to improve?  Do they fit in?  Are they HAPPY in school?  Do they even like it?

These are just a few of the questions I would ask a parent who feels their child is “struggling” in some aspect of their education.  What I have learned is that we decide how our child is doing based on a certain set of criteria that includes societal paradigms about how education should work and our personal expectations of our kids.  We also (at times) throw in some shame around how our child reflects back on US as parents.  I beg you to stop for a moment and ask, “What is education for anyway?”

Well, here in the United States of America, our public school system was created in a time of industrial revolution.  The schools were charged with the duty of teaching and turning out “people” who would be prepared to stand in a factory line all day and piece together some kind of cog.  In addition, we were taught that this was a good outcome to education, to get a J-O-B that we could stay in for 40-50 years so that someday we might receive some compensation for living out our “golden years” in style.

That model was useful for that generation.  But NOT ANYMORE.  Our world and way of living has changed exponentially!  Yet our educational system’s goal is still to turn out factory workers, people who will follow directions given them, who can sit still all day and NOT think outside the box.  In fact, when a child does not CONFORM to the way a standard classroom is run, he or she is labeled as learning disordered, a trouble maker or just ignored altogether.

If a boy has so much energy that he cannot sit still in class no matter how many times the teacher tells him, bribes him, and punishes him, he is said to have an attention deficit disorder and is sent to a doctor for medication.  There is no protocol for recognizing a gift or genius in WHY that child acts the way he does.  He doesn’t fit the model, so he is ostracized and made to feel “different”.  He is given the message that he is “bad” or simply doesn’t fit in.  Or worse, he isn’t acceptable unless he is medicated!

In a country that claims to favor diversity and individuality, our school system attempts to make everyone the same.

So, what is the answer?  I have recommendations.

GET TO KNOW YOUR CHILD’S LEARNING STYLE.

When my daughter was in third grade, I made the decision to do a free homeschool charter program with her and my son who was a first grader.  Let me just tell you that ever since my daughter was born (up until that point), I truly believed that she was a brilliant genius!  Her verbal skills were off the charts and she seemed to learn quickly.  She was also highly creative and loved any kind of art.  I really had created the idea that ALL things in school would come easily to her.

That year, while doing a math lesson with her that “I” thought was rather simple in concept, she was completely stumped.  I went over it and over it and it wasn’t getting in.  I became frustrated, thinking that she wasn’t listening, wasn’t trying.  It was so easy!  It was HER fault that she wasn’t knowing this.  Then her eyes got misty and her little face looked at me and said “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

It was at that moment when I stepped back and took another look at my daughter.  She REALLY didn’t get this.  My belief that she was a genius and “should” be brilliant at all things was clouding my reality of who my daughter IS.  Yes, she is gifted.  In so many ways.  But NOT this one.  It became my plight to teach her (and myself) that she does NOT have to be good at all things.  We are each given a set of abilities that makes us who we are and aids us in doing our work on this planet.  Sometimes, a certain math problem is not part of our life’s purpose.  We need to learn to let it go.

One of my daughter’s abilities is to see things differently than the mathematicians who created these problems.  Her mind (and dare I say, heart and soul) looks for the creative, colorful, non-linear, playful sides of things.  Sometimes….math doesn’t allow for that

Take some time and really watch your child do things.  Participate in a learning activity with her.  How does she approach a problem?  Is she easily frustrated?  Are there certain activities that she is drawn to naturally that aren’t taught or allowed in school?  In what situations or subjects does your child seem to be “in her element”?

LEARN ABOUT YOUR CHILD’S STRENGTHS

Jenifer Fox penned a fabulous book called Your Child’s Strengths with a forward by Marcus Buckingham.  In the book, Jenifer discusses how focusing on where children are lacking (or weak) in school is completely backwards.  She then goes on to teach methods for drawing out the BEST in kids and discovering all they are capable of.

Your child may be drawn to specific activities or subjects that give insight to where their personal power lies.  It takes some attention.  There are exercises in the book that will help you know what to look for.  And be prepared to learn things about your kids that you may not have expected.

TEACH YOUR CHILD THAT WHAT THE “SYSTEM” SAYS ABOUT THEM IS NOT WHO THEY ARE

This is a really BIG DEAL!  Our children are conditioned in the way of the educational system from a very early age.  In fact, with good intentions, we even begin to teach them about “grades” and academic achievement before they enter school.  They may not be able to articulate it, but they KNOW how they are being judged and rated.

I was appalled a few years ago when I learned that high schools these days commonly set their students on “tracks” as freshmen.  When the kids set foot into the their very first class in high school, they are already labeled and their educational course is laid out for them.  The tracks are typically 1) kids who are headed to college and 2) kids who are headed to trade school or simply the work force.  They are given different schedules and different classes that are deemed “appropriate” for where they are headed in life.

I see these more clearly as the “kids who have potential and will get more education” and the “kids who nobody thinks are capable of great things so why bother with them” tracks.

OMG, just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.  It angers me.  Do educators NOT THINK that these kids KNOW they are being labeled as losers before they’ve even had a chance to see what they can do?  I can’t believe that they are allowed to do this in schools.  It reminds me of the caste system of India where you are born into a family with a certain status and you can never escape that level of society.  OK, maybe it’s not as bad as THAT.  But, it definitely leans in that direction…

Imagine what COULD happen IF students were able to put themselves on their own track.  What if they were given the freedom to become WHO they are meant to become, without the definitions given to them by school administrators.  When I was in high school, no one told me IF I would or should go to college or what careers I should pursue (or not).  I was actually allowed to choose whatever classes I wanted to take, alongside other students who “graded” higher than me and lower than me.  We all took the same classes!  What a crazy novel idea!  Go figure.  I was accountable for choosing college or not and for doing the necessary work to get myself there.  Advisers were there to facilitate that.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take a good long look at your child.  What is the most important thing that you want for them in life?  Tell them about it.  See that your child knows that they are CAPABLE, WORTHY and VALUABLE whether or not they fit the school’s criteria for success.  This is such an important lesson for them that many of us never learned ourselves.  But it is truth.  I have taught my kids that a grade doesn’t define who they are.  What teachers think and say about them doesn’t define who they are.  What the educational system says that my kids should master does not define whether or not my kids are smart or if they will be successful in their lives.  Period.

THINK OUTSIDE THE EDUCATIONAL BOX

We are meant to believe the idea that there is a specific way of educating children (and all people for that matter).  The reality is that there are MANY ways of LEARNING that we don’t often observe or consider.  Which translates into many ways of “guiding the learning”.  If you aren’t sure or satisfied that the method being used to educate your children is right or working, look for other ways.  They are out there.  And if you don’t find one that truly fits your values and philosophy, then create your own.  There are myriad ways of homeschooling kids these days.  Unschooling is one way (look that one up-it’s cool).  You can hire other people to teach your kids in your own home or theirs.  You can create a co-op with other families and share responsibilities for schooling.  I could go on and on.  The important thing is that it works for you and works for your kids.

“But”, you say, “I will get in trouble if I don’t follow the rules.”

Yeah, I worried about that, too.  But in the end, YOU are the parent and YOU are responsible for making sure your kids get the education they deserve.  AND there are so many options out there now for alternative forms of education.  It just takes some research and diligence.  So, flex your mommy-muscles and go be the advocate for your own kids!  Nobody else is gonna do that job for you.

ALLOW AND TRUST YOUR INTUITION TO GUIDE YOU (AND YOUR CHILDREN)

In your search to find the perfect education solution for your kids and family, remember to always always always TRUST YOUR GUT!  This is an across-the-board piece of advice.  But when advocating for our children, it is easy to get caught up in guilt, worries about what other people think, and confusion over opinions and advice.  There is a lot of information out there.  Your best bet for deciphering it all is good old fashioned intuition.  (It’s old fashioned because unfortunately, we don’t use it much anymore.)  Frankly, we can partially thank our educational system for that.  The way schools teach actually trains our kids NOT to trust their intuition, but instead to do and believe what the teacher says is right and best for them.  In the worst situations, there is a lot of shame involved in this practice.

You know better than anyone else what is best for your own children.  Trust that.  If something doesn’t feel right about the experience your child is having in school, it probably isn’t.  Get involved and make the changes necessary to create a positive, effective education for your child.  You’ll know when you’ve discovered it.  It will just FEEL RIGHT.  Go with that.

STRONG.

What do you think of when you read that?

Do you feel strong every day?

What does it mean to be strong?

Merriam-Webster defines Strong as:

1. having or marked by great physical power,

2. having moral or intellectual power,

3. having great resources (as of wealth or talent).

I think that just describes every woman and girl I know!

What I know is that in order to connect with our strength, it is necessary to practice BEING in our strength.  What does that mean?  It means choosing situations and activities that strengthen you.  It also helps if you can avoid those that weaken you.

Think of a time in your life when you have felt the most strong.  Where were you?  What were you doing?  Who were you with?  Have you revisited that experience?  If you have, GOOD for you!!  If not, why not?

For me, I have spent a lot of time being afraid of my power, my strength.  Really, for stupid reasons, like fearing that I wouldn’t know what to DO with my strength.  What if I THINK I’m strong, but I’m really NOT?  God forbid I find out!  What if others see strength in me and they challenge it?  I’m not sure I’m up for that.

Of course we know that FEAR is “False Evidence Appearing Real”.  It is also our “lizard brain” trying to keep us safe by scaring us back into our boxes of “comfort”.

I went for a hike today.  I walked up and down a mountain.  I’ve done it before.  There aren’t words for the enormous power and strength I experience while I’m on the mountain.  I am at one with nature.  I feel on a deep level the immense strength of the mountain itself, as it supports me, shares its ruggedness and wildlife with me.  Gratitude and Love are automatic byproducts of this exchange.  I stop at times and stand in awe of it.  Then I look around at the surrounding mountains and the towns and valleys below and beyond.  It is truly magnificent!

This is the place from where we are called.  To do our work in this world, to create, to connect, to love, to inspire, to teach, to grow, to expand, to BE who we ARE.  No permission is necessary when you feel the power in you.  It is there.

Do whatever you need to do to have experiences like this.  Tap into your strength.  Own it.  Claim it.  LIVE in it.  BELIEVE in it.

YOU are STRONG.

Another year comes to a close. 

It’s a time for looking back. 

And LOOKING FORWARD.

Are you making resolutions?  Historically, I have not made a practice of it.  I have always held a belief that New Year’s Resolutions were a way to set ourselves up for failure.  I hadn’t heard stories of people telling how their resolutions were followed through and their lives were better for it.  I HAD heard many tales of how after a few weeks (if that) on the new diet, exercise program, etc., that person was drinking in the bar with friends over cheese fries calling it a lost cause!

This year is different for me.  I have had the pleasure these past few years of surrounding myself with people who ARE making resolutions (not just for New Years) and seeing them through.  These people are MAKING THINGS HAPPEN in their lives, year after year after year.  Therefore, my perspective on New Year’s Resolutions have completely changed.  In fact, I am making one myself.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll make two!

I have come to know that we DECIDE and create what we want in our lives.  If there is a change you want to make in the New Year, what is your end goal?  Where do you see yourself at the end of it?  From there, go backward and ask yourself what needs to be done, in small steps, to get you to the final destination.  That is your plan.

If it seems like a BIG thing or not so big, we are most successful when we break it down and give ourselves the time and patience to see it through.  The other critical component is practicing patience with yourself.  And forgiveness.  If you stumble on the way to your “goal”, it’s OK.  You don’t have to scrap the whole thing!  Begin NOW.  One more step.  One more day.  You can do this.

Thank you for sharing another year with me   I am so GRATEFUL that you take the time to read what I write.  I am looking forward to 2013 being a year full of health, laughter, friendship, prosperity, and a whole lot of FUN!!!  I wish the same for all <3

Happy New Year!!!

I live near the coast of California…

And I have a dog named Buddy.  Buddy likes to go everywhere that I go.  You could say we’re a team.  Buddy was a rescue, so we aren’t sure about his breed, but I call him a shih-tzu mix.  He weighs about 12 pounds and has a mean underbite.  He hikes mountains with me and loves to chase big dogs to show them he can keep up.

And Buddy LOVES the beach!

If we are in the car headed anywhere and Buddy sees the ocean from his seat, he begins to whimper.  He then excites himself and will stare straight at the big blue sea and fuss like a girl who’s ready to wet her pants.  Somehow, my dog Buddy has a deep longing to be near the ocean.  I can completely relate.

I also have a deep connection with the ocean.  Just standing on the sand grounds me and brings a wave of calm.  I find more clarity when I am close to the ocean  My purpose becomes apparent and I am able to see solutions where clouds of conflict and confusion only resided.  My soul craves time on the beach and near the ocean.  In a way, every time I see the ocean, my soul whimpers, cries and calls out to go to it, just like Buddy does.

I respond to my soul’s cries to be near the ocean by taking it to walk on the beach, to sit on the sand and read, or watch the waves, or write.  Sometimes, I will pull off the road just to sit at the cliff’s edge in my car and gaze out upon it.  It rejuvenates me.  I breathe in the salty air and my soul comes alive and dances with delight.

However, there are too many incidences when I don’t respond to my soul’s longing, or I respond instead with reasoning and circumstance about why it isn’t possible.  There isn’t time, or there are other commitments.  It’s too cold out, or too hot, or Buddy just had a bath and there’s no way I’m gonna let him get all sandy today.  When I do this too many times, my joy meter dips down.  My spirit becomes listless, my senses groggy, and I find myself spinning my wheels in life and not getting very far.

I consider this to be an analogy for how to live or not live.

I see it as a way that I keep myself from a full experience of joy.  I know you do it, too!!

There is something for which your soul calls out.  Are you listening?  How do you respond when you feel the longing deep inside you?  Do you deprive your soul of the thing that gives it life and helps it fulfill its purpose?  Are you living in a groggy state?  Do you sense that you have a greater purpose, but don’t know what it is? How much JOY are you experiencing?

Take a moment and ask your soul what makes it leap and dance.  It will tell you.  Then go out and do that.  As often as possible.

Watch what happens.

And please let me know.

Today I found my peace.

I discovered a new nursery.  A nursery that specializes in native plants and trees that are not sprayed and that are native to our local environment.  It was the most beautiful place!  I wanted to sit on the edge of the path and stay there all day.  As I strolled slowly through every section of this place, I found myself stroking the plants and trees with my hands.  I especially enjoyed the softer feeling plants, such as the Partridge Feather and The GoldLeaf Tansy.  The Tansy also smells good .  But, I was drawn to things that surprised me.  Like the succulents.  I lingered inside a greenhouse full of them, reaching for this one and that one, just to feel them.

At one point, I felt overwhelmed by the realization that I was surrounded by hundreds of living beings.  Yes, beings.  The plants (and trees) are the best teachers I know for how to just BE.  They are literally working and growing ALL THE TIME.  They never stop.  Yet they remain in a state of grace and peace all the while.  They don’t fret about the weather.  They don’t create stories about how they aren’t growing quickly enough, or that they aren’t the right shape or color.  They don’t compare themselves to other plants and trees and decide that they don’t measure up.  And they don’t live in fear that they could die or that a fire or other hazard might come calling.  They are steadfast in their purpose: to grow, to adapt, to reach toward the sun.  (Of course unless they are shade loving )

What if you were as devoted to your purpose as the plants and trees and took graceful action from a place of peace?  What could your life experience look like?  My hunch is that it might just come alive and become your own magical garden.